The A to Z Of Remus And Sirius
by LadyBush
Summary: This is the story of Remus and Sirius' relationship, told through the alphabet. It contains plenty of slashy goodness! Currently on Chapter Thirteen: M is for Magic.
1. A is for Alcohol

The **A-**** Z** Of Remus And Sirius

**A** is for **A**lcohol

Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.

**-Oscar Wilde**

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

**-Dean Martin**

* * *

Sirius Black was gloriously drunk. Lying on his stomach in front of the fire, basking, his head cradled in his arms, his feet kicked up in the air and Remus Lupin curled up beside him. Bliss. 

"You happy, Moony?"

"Yeah…" Remus said sleepily. The firewhisky was warm and tingly in his stomach and Sirius's body, also very warm, was pressed up against his left side. "Yeah… I'm happy."

Sirius glanced around the Gryffindor common room. James was snoring in the nearest armchair: other than that it was deserted. Sirius reached for the firewhisky bottle - for Dutch courage - and drained it. "S'all empty, Moony," he said.

Remus gave a great sigh that seemed to reverberate through the room and through Sirius' own body. "No more whisky," he mumbled. "Not a drop…" He turned to Sirius and gave him a sleepy smile, angling his head upwards so that Sirius could gain maximum appreciation.

And Sirius was awestruck. Dumb with drink he couldn't say what he really felt, something about fallen angels and statues of Apollo and hair that glowed like liquid gold in the firelight. In fact, his wits were so muddled that it took quite a while for him to say anything at all. "You're real pretty, Moony," he eventually managed.

But Remus didn't reply. He was sleeping by then; his liquid-gold hair had fallen halfway across his face and a tiny drop of spittle had formed on his chin.

"Yeah," Sirius murmured. "Pretty…"


	2. B is for Beginnings

Thank you ShatteredDesire, Demus, im-a-daydream-believer, Dervla, sesshomaruhasafluffytail and Queen of the Paperclips. You're all lovely.

The **A**-**Z** Of Remus And Sirius

**B** is for **B**eginnings

Men can do nothing without the make-believe of a beginning.

-**George Eliot, Daniel Deronda**

* * *

It was just about as romantic as a thing could possibly be. 

That first kiss, down by the lakeside, with the frost underfoot… Sirius had always known that kissing Remus would be something special but he had never even considered the feeling of warmth that would surface inside him or the softness of Remus' hair as he ran his hands through it for the first time.

Damn, he was really going to have to find out what shampoo that boy was using.

Not even in Sirius' wildest, craziest dreams had he imagined how good Remus would smell once you got close enough. Sort of like wood spice and coffee and dark chocolate and _that_ wonderful shampoo.

So yes, all in all, Sirius had to admit that kissing Remus Lupin for the first time was pretty great. In fact, it was like waking up after twenty years asleep; like passing through the gates of heaven after a century in purgatory. Or perhaps it was more like entering a strip club after a decade in a monastery… Whichever way, it was bloody fantastic.

And then in an instant, a split-second, everything was ruined. In the time it took to blink an eye, Sirius had left heaven and bypassed purgatory for hell.

"Tell James?" he repeated, staring at Remus, an incredulous look on his face. "Why on earth would I want to do that!"

Remus' patience was wearing a little thin; after all, Sirius was currently staring at him as if a second head had just sprouted from his neck. "We should tell James because it's the right thing to do," he said. "He's supposed to be your best friend, Sirius. Why do you want to keep this – keep us – a secret? Are you ashamed of me or something?"

"No! I'm not ashamed! It's just…" Sirius ran a hand through his long hair. "I don't think he'll understand!" And after all, this was hardly fair. After nearly two years in love with Remus he'd been granted only one kiss, one brief glimpse at happiness, before it had been snatched away from him. "What if he hates us for it," Sirius said. "What if he hates us just because we – you know – love each other."

Remus gave a small cough.

Sirius swallowed. He hadn't intended to mention the word 'love'- not yet at any rate. And it sounded rather presumptuous to suggest that Remus loved him, especially considering the only vocal sign of affection he'd ever had from the werewolf was a rather husky "_Do you know how sexy you are_?" scarcely ten minutes ago.

Sirius swallowed again. Hard. He stared at the floor. His shoelaces seemed awfully fascinating… "I don't meant to say you're in love with me or anything," he mumbled.

"Well I am," Remus said matter-of-factly. Choosing to ignore the ridiculously huge grin that had suddenly plastered itself across Sirius' face, he continued. "And if you don't tell James about us, then I will."

"Right." Sirius nodded, still grinning like an imbecile. There really was no arguing with Remus Lupin... "Let's go inside," Sirius said. "I'm freezing."

They headed back slowly, almost reluctantly, as the frost crunched beneath their feet and the first flakes of snow began to fall.

"Do you really think James will understand?" Sirius asked. "I mean you don't think he'll be mad or hate us or anything, do you?"

"Of course he won't hate us." Remus' voice was soothing but still a little husky. "He knows what it's like to fall in love…"

There it was again: that **love** word shining like a newly minted coin, sparking in the air like electricity between them. Oh God and this was only the beginning!

Sirius edged closer to Remus, until their elbows brushed together as they walked. He could smell it again- the gorgeous scent of Remus."Moony?"

"Yeah?"

"What shampoo do you use?"


	3. C is for Cursed

Thank you sesshomaruhasafluffytail, Demus, ShatteredDesire, im-a-daydream-believer, Nikufei, Kaythara, LuckyMoony, IcySapphire 15, Nina, DragonHunter200, skinnyrita, Queen of the Paperclips and Achava. You're all seriously great people. For the record if I told you what shampoo Remus uses I'd have to kill you straight after. It's a very closely-guarded secret. Oh, and I like all the guesses for what **C **could be! 'Curse-throwing' was probably the nearest!

The **A**-**Z** Of Remus And Sirius

**C** is for **C**ursed

The only cure for vanity is laughter, and the only fault that is laughable is vanity.

**-Henri Bergson**

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

**-Oscar Wilde**

* * *

Sirius Black was gorgeous. 

He had long dark hair and a tall, lean, supple body; lightly tanned skin and dark eyes. It hadn't been so long ago when Remus, a book lover, had discovered that as he pictured the wild, tempestuous Heathcliffe or the brooding Mr Darcy in his head, he invariably pictured Sirius. There was just something about him that cried out 'romantic hero'or else 'Hollywood screen legend'…

…Something that screamed '**sex on legs**'.

And Sirius was vain. He spent twice as much time in front of the mirror as James and almost three times as long as Remus. He posed and preened and spent half his inheritance on hair gel.

And all of this only made the situation worse.

"I'll kill the bastard. The slime ball. I'll kill him! I really will!"

Remus took Sirius' hand and squeezed it. "You won't be killing anyone, Padfoot. You're going to sit right here and relax, aren't you?" Remus forced a cup of tea into his lover's trembling hands. "Drink this: it'll make you feel better…"

"I don't need tea I need-"

"-To calm down." Remus settled his hands on Sirius' shoulders and began to gently knead the tense muscles. "Just relax, Padfoot."

Sirius groaned something that sounded suspiciously like "You're not my mother." He sipped his tea warily, as if half-expecting it to be poisoned.

"No, Sirius, I most certainly am not your mother!" Remus sighed. "In fact, I rather resent the implication that I'm anything like that… that… evil…"

"Bitch," James supplied. He slammed shut the book he was reading: _101 Curses And Counter-Curses_. "Can't find anything," he said.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder at Remus. "I'm sorry, love. My mother is a slut and a whore and-" He turned to stare, wide-eyed, at James. "You can't find anything? What do you mean?"

"There's nothing in here, mate," James said. "I think you're stuck with it." He gave an apologetic smile.

Remus' voice was gentle and soothing, like whispers and shadows and cool hands in the twilight. "I think we'd better go to the infirmary, Sirius. We've checked every book we can think of…"

Sirius cup of tea clattered as it hit the floor. He rested his head in his hands, downcast and despairing. "Oh Christ. I can't leave the dorm… People might see and-" Sirius took several deep breaths. "I'M-GOING-TO-BLOODY-KILL-HIM!"

"It really doesn't look so bad," Remus said.

"Well I rather like it," James added. "I think Snapey has done a quite remarkable job."

"I can't be seen like this," Sirius moaned. He removed his head from his hands to look searchingly at Remus. "Moony, if you love me, tell me the truth. How bad is it?"

Remus gave his most reassuring smile. "I like your hair, Sirius," he said.

Sirius was somewhat less that amused. "It's pink, Remus! He's turned my hair... my lovely hair...PINK!"


	4. D is for Dancing

Thank you ShatteredDesire, Lucky Moony, Nikufei, Queen of the Paperclips, Achava, Demus, Tanya J Potter, checkmarks and DragonHunter200. Have I mentioned how much I adore you all! Probably. I should also mention that I'm not telling this story in any particular order- I intend to jump forwards and backwards a bit. Finally, I can't believe that nobody guessed the letter D! Although, having said that, the suggestions were very good!

**D** is for **D**ancing

Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there'll be dancing!

**-George, My Best Friend's Wedding**

Beautiful boys on a beautiful dance floor

Michael, you're dancing like a beautiful dance-whore

**-Franz Ferdinand, Michael**

* * *

**One **

Remus Lupin did not dance.

It was the Yule Ball in their seventh year when Sirius first asked him. They'd only been together a fortnight back then, yet, suffice to say, it felt like much longer... Longer in a good way, of course.

"Dance with me, Moony?" Sirius had asked, standing before the werewolf, looking a picture in midnight-blue dress robes. "Won't you dance?"

_Not here… Not in front of the whole school. I couldn't._

"Dancing just isn't something I do, Sirius." Remus had tried to give a reason for his refusal- a reason that was better than _because I'm afraid_. "When a person dances they relax and - sort of - become one with the music… I just can't do that. I can't afford to let my guard down; I can't let the wolf get the better of me." Remus sighed, running a hand through his tawny-gold hair. "You do understand, don't you, Padfoot?"

Sirius shrugged. "I guess."

However Sirius' expression told a different story. He had looked at Remus with big puppy-dog eyes... Eyes that held the infinite wisdom only a seventeen-year-old can possibly possess.

Remus, who was normally the paragon of self-restraint, had suddenly become angry: heatedly angry, irrationally angry… It _was_ nearly the full moon and besides, how much of Sirius Black's relentless sulking could one boy take?

"Oh just… Bugger off, Sirius! I'm not in the mood! Dance with that girl over there; she's dying to be asked." Remus' eyes had flashed darker for a moment, his face had become flushed and his whole body had trembled.

Oh God.

He hated losing control.

Remus had looked down at the ground and caught his breath. Avoiding Sirius' big sad eyes, he'd begun to calm down. He'd even opened his mouth to apologise.

But Sirius had already gone. A closer inspection of the Great Hall revealed him dancing with some nameless, faceless girl, his body pressed against hers as they moved in time with the music.

**Two**

They were on a break at the time of James' wedding; a break that followed several months of fighting like cat and dog, or rather wolf and dog. Remus had moved out of their shared flat and was living round the corner with Peter. Sirius, on the other hand, was left achingly, heart-breakingly lonely. This time all the nameless, faceless girls – and boys – in the world were no substitute for the love of Remus Lupin.

At the wedding reception Sirius didn't dance with anyone. He remained seated at the largest table, just a seat away from Remus and trying desperately to provoke a response of more than a word from his former lover.

"Weather's been good, hasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't Lily look lovely?"

"Beautiful."

"Good turn out at the reception, don't you think?"

And something in Remus must have just snapped. "Of course there's a good turn out! There's free alcohol, isn't there?" As if to prove his point, he drained his glass of wine, before continuing in a calmer tone. "These last few weeks apart haven't been easy, Sirius."

"Tell me about it."

"I have a lot of ghosts that need to be laid to rest before I can even think of moving forward…"

"I know, Moony, but-"

"…But right now, darling, I'd appreciate it if you'd shut the hell up and dance with me!" Remus was smiling all of a sudden; smiling like neither of them had smiled in months.

_But you don't dance… You were always too afraid…_

_I'm not afraid anymore, Sirius._

Remus led him on to the dance floor, steadfastly ignoring both the wolf whistles and catcalls from James and the indulgent smiles of Lily.

And this time, they danced.


	5. E is for Endings

Thank you all these people who submitted reviews: Demus, ShatteredDesire, andrea-88, Queen of the Paperclips, Lucky Moony, Achava, im-a-daydream-believer, BreathingFlames, loonyluna9, Green Bird, Icy Sapphire15, Jess, PadfootsMoony, Jedi Master Moose Ass, 0mrsprongs0, Mooncheese, Nikufei, checkmarks, Lain-Iris, bae'geshel, sanguisiphiliac, ChinChila1369, Tanya J Potter, judas, DragonHunter200, Ruby Love and mssparrington. I enjoyed all the guesses for 'E'! Achava's suggestion of 'empty' was probably nearest.

This chapter has leapt forward to Order Of The Phoenix time. Don't worry- I'm telling the story is alphabetical not chronological order!

**E** is for **E**ndings

Nothing in his life became him like the leaving it.

**-William Shakespeare, Macbeth**

He not busy being born is busy dying.

**-Bob Dylan**

* * *

The beginnings in their relationship had always outnumbered the endings. 

And then Sirius had fallen through the veil and nothing was ever the same again.

It was a fitting death, somehow. No blood, no screaming and no long slow descent into nothingness. Remus knew he should have been grateful for these small mercies. After all, it was how Sirius would have wanted to go: in the midst of a fight, with his eyes as bright as they'd always been.

But Remus couldn't be grateful. He just couldn't. Everyone seemed to expect him to carry on as normal; to carry on as if half his heart had not just been ripped from his chest, torn up and scattered like a thousand shards of glass to be crushed underfoot. How the hell was a person supposed to live like this?

Remus didn't think he could. He didn't spend hours weeping or anything and he didn't scream or curse; he just sort of gave up. Faded.

He kept remembering a conversation they'd had, a few months after graduating from Hogwarts. Sirius had had this crazy idea that he was about to die.

Or perhaps the idea hadn't been so crazy at all, with Voldermort on the rise...

"If I die, Moony – no, don't shush me; it needs to be said. If I die, I want it to be quick. I don't mind pain as long as it's quick-"

"Sirius, you're not going to die."

"-I don't want to spend twenty years in St Mungo's, clinging to this mortal coil by my fingernails. I'd rather just be dead... Tell me you understand what I'm saying."

Remus hadn't understood. "I think you're being selfish, Sirius," he'd replied.

Sirius' eyes had widened for a moment but then a warmth had entered his face and his mouth had relaxed into a smile. "Given the choice, I'd never leave you, Moony. Never."

_Never say never, Sirius…_

Remus hadn't been able to smile back. He'd tried and he'd failed. "You'll only die if you go out looking for death."

That had been true back then: it wasn't until a couple of years later that things had become really bad. Then people had been dying everywhere, for any reason. Or perhaps for no reason at all. And around that time, in the midst of darkness when every embrace might well have been the last, Sirius and himself had become lovers of such intensity that-

Remus sighed. He couldn't bear the memories.

He couldn't live _with_ then any more than he could live without them.

A couple of days ago, Remus had apologised to Dumbledore. "These days I'm always so distracted..."

Dumbledore had shaken his head. "You're not distracted, Remus. Your heart's broken and that is a wound which no amount of magic can heal." He'd reached out and briefly encased Remus' hand in his own. "Sometimes we can only hope that what magic cannot heal, time will."

Remus had watched Dumbledore go through eyes that had once been bright amber but were now a dull brown. He couldn't help but think that Sirius was still selfish, to leave him like this.

Alone.


	6. F is for Fairy Stories

Thank you Audrey G. Black, Demus, checkmarks, Queen of the Paperclips, Achava, decaydancexx, Lucky Moony, loonyluna9, ShatteredDesire, SlashyKitty, DragonHunter200 and zakarin9. You're all very kind. Alas, F is not for Fornicating! Next chapter might be a little slower as I've got exam results to get (scared…) a job interview (terrified…) and a bedroom to decorate (excited).

**F** is for **F**airy Stories 

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

_**-Oscar Wilde**_

I closed my eyes and closed myself  
And closed my world and never opened  
Up to anything  
That could get me alone

_**-Moby, Extreme Ways

* * *

**_

**Once upon a time…**

As far as beginnings go that one always left Sirius unimpressed. In fact, he hated fairytales in general, to the extent that anything even remotely fairytale-esque was scoffed at. What use were queens and princes, wicked stepmothers and poisoned apples, gingerbread men and ogres, to the real world?

It wasn't that Sirius was unimaginative. No, Sirius simply hated stories where it was possible to know the end before you reached it. And fairytales always had the same ridiculous, sun is shining, baby bunny rabbits are frolicking in the meadows, sugary-sweet, cotton-candy unrealistic happy endings.

And life just wasn't like that.

Perhaps Sirius was too cynical; possibly he was too much of a realist. Perhaps he just wasn't romantic…

* * *

"She wanted flowers." Fifteen-year-old Sirius flopped down onto the sofa and swung his legs up next to Remus. "Why in hell's name would anybody want flowers?" 

Remus shook his head. "Dunno. I suppose it's a nice gesture."

"Bloody stupid flowers."

Remus have a brief consoling smile. "I'd rather have had the chocolates."

"Yeah… Me too." Sirius laughed. "Girls have no taste."

A moment of silent companionship followed. Remus yawned a couple of times. "You do realise…" he began "…that you could have just turned the chocolates into flowers. After all, we are taking OWL transfiguration next year."

Sirius groaned. "Tell me that now, why don't you?" A melodramatic sigh. "I just don't understand girls, mate."

"Me neither."

The portrait hole opened and James stormed into the Common Room. "Which fucking idiot invented Valentine's Day?" he demanded.

Remus grinned. "That would be St Valentine," he quipped.

"God!" James glared at Remus and Sirius. "I hate girls!"

"Me too," Sirius said, surprising the others. "Next Valentine's Day I'm taking Remus out. He prefers chocolate to flowers like any sane person would…"

"I got Lily flowers," James said. "She didn't like them." James blinked a couple of times then gave a huge yawn. "I'm off to bed."

Left alone, Sirius glanced at Remus. "If I tell you something, promise you won't laugh."

"Okay, I won't laugh."

"Promise?"

"Um."

Sirius swallowed. "I did try and transfigure the chocolates into flowers."

"And?"

"The flowers were really nice…" Sirius gave a weak smile. "…Until they melted."

* * *

But then again, maybe romance isn't about fairytale characters and huge romantic gestures. Maybe romance is more a case of Sirius taking Remus for a moonlit walk, the night before they graduated. 

And Sirius said something, then, that was very romantic indeed. "I'll always remember this moment, Remus," he murmured.

"You will?"

"I'll always remember you standing here, down by the lake, with the stars reflected in your eyes and your hair drenched in moonlight."

Wow.

**And they lived happily ever**… well, they were happy for a while, which isn't so bad at all.


	7. G is for Graduating

Thanks zakarin9, dragonhunter200, Icy Sapphire15, Nikufei, andrea-88, checkmarks, Demus, blackmage718, Tomiko the Muse, Achava, bloodyredlips, ChinChila1369, shakespeare's sister, Green Bird, miranda, Deathless Juliet, billy, 0mrsprongs0, Lain Iris, Scarlet Snow, carpe-nox-sulum-nox, Becky Greenleaf, sunnysparkles, Lucky Moony. Well done andrea-88, who guessed 'graduating'.

**G** is for **G**raduation

You have brains in your head.  
You have feet in your shoes.  
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.  
You're on your own.  
And you know what you know.  
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.  
-**Dr. Seuss**

* * *

**Sirius' Graduation**

The graduation ceremony was held by the lakeside.

And yes, it was deadly dull.

Afterwards, the students and families mingled, eating cake, drinking champagne and talking. God, all that talking! So-and-so going to train to be a healer… What's-his-name off to wrestle green-striped Crumply Snorkats in the deserts of Mongolia.

Boring.

Sirius, already on his third glass of bubbly, was standing with James. "Just look at him," he said.

James scanned the crowd. "Sirius… I hate to ask but, um, who am I supposed to be looking at; there's, like, three hundred people out here."

Sirius pointed. "Remus! You're looking at Remus."

James looked. Sure enough, there was Remus. He was grinning and laughing as he talked with Lily. "He looks really happy," James said. He glanced at Sirius. "Why the hell is your boyfriend talking to my fiancée, while we stand watching like-"

"Voyeurs."

James groaned. "I was going for 'idiots', you prat."

Sirius shrugged. "Remus isn't happy when he's with me," he confessed. "He's been all cold on my lately. I don't know what to do."

James awkwardly patted his friend's shoulder. "What d'you think the problem is?"

Sirius gave a sigh, that somehow turned into a small cough and a lot of determined will-not-cry blinking. "I don't think he feels strongly enough about me to continue the relationship after Hogwarts… And I don't know what to do. There's probably this whole world of people out there that he wants to date and I was just this convenient guy who shared his dorm, you see?"

"Yeah… Well, no actually. That doesn't sound much like Moony." James squeezed Sirius' shoulder. "I sympathise, Padfoot, but I think you should be talking to him, not me."

"But he's happy, James. I can't ruin his graduation by telling him that I want to live with him and have a mortgage and loads of children – um- goldfish..."

_Sirius Black - the infamous Sirius Black - wanting to settle down. _**Crazy**.

"Children? Goldfish!" James had to laugh. "You two should adopt some puppies. Now that _would_ be cute!"

Sirius swallowed. "I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to tell him how I feel… Right now. Wish me luck."

**Remus' Graduation**

From a distance Remus might have looked happy: up-close, however, his smile was too fixed; his laughter too shrill.

And Lily had her hands on her hips. "What's the problem?" she demanded.

"It's been bothering my for weeks and I know I should have said something but…" Remus glanced around. His eyes settled on Sirius and James, who were intent in conversation. _They're talking about me, _Remus realised. "…I don't think Sirius wants to continue the relationship now we've graduated."

Lily pursed her lips. "But he loves you!"

"Does he?" Remus shook his head. "All I want is a quiet life, just him and me. I don't think Sirius is ready to be tied down. I don't think he's ready to commit…" Remus gave a manic grin. "And anyway, who would want to spend the rest of their life with a werewolf!"

A tap on his shoulder. A familiar voice, smooth as honey. Remus turned around. "As it happens, I would rather like to spend the rest of my life with a werewolf," Sirius said.

"You would?"

Sirius leaned forward and kissed his boyfriend's cheek. "What do you say, Moony? Shall we grow up and get a mortgage?"

Remus threw his arms round Sirius's neck. "Sounds good to me…" he murmured.


	8. H is for Hell

Hmm… Instead of the usual 'thank yous' I'd like to tell all the reviewers how sorry I am for taking forever to update! And it's not even a happy chapter. Oh well… I fancied playing around with the aftermath of the betrayal when Sirius sent Snape to Moony. I also thought I'd try the present tense for a change; tell me what you think! Anyway, well done andrea-88 who guessed 'hell'. And thanks Queen of the Paperclips and Albino Redneck for two interesting ideas (for me to use later...)

**H** is for **H**ell

The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers…

**- Jack Sparrow, Pirates Of The Caribbean**

It's funny how beautiful people are when they're walking out the door.

**-Mandy Slade, Velvet Goldmine

* * *

**

He can feel it - somewhere deep inside him - this cacophony of sound. A rattling breath catches in his chest. His heartbeat is so loud that it echoes in his ears. What's more, he's crying. Noisily, the odd gulping sob. He wants to scream; he'd give anything to drown out the noise of the wind and the rattling window panes.

At some point James appears. "Why did you do it?"

He doesn't know. It's all a blur and all he can remember is the swirl of grey clouds, streaked with black soot and the bloody colour of a red sunset.

"Tell me."

If he listens hard enough the wind tells him what he's done. Traitor… Traitor… Traitor… He plays it over in his mind, varying the stress on the two syllables, hoping to make it sound better.

"I don't know why I did it," he says. He can't meet James' eyes; he stares out of the window, watches the reluctant dawn, thinks of what he's done.

James exhales in what may or may not be a sigh. "Remus wants to see you."

He follows James from the dorm, down the staircase, across the Common Room. It's still so early; there's no one around.

In the imfirmary, Remus lies on a bed, neatly cocooned in white sheets and an extra blanket. His face is pale: his lips chapped and nearly blue; his cheeks hollow; his eyes empty.

"I nearly killed him, Sirius."

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you do it?"

"I-" He wants to say it was just a childish prank. He wants to give a reason- any reason. "I don't know," he says.

There's a scratch down Remus' cheek. It's very fine, barely a hair's-width across- faintly pink and somehow beautiful. Yet it's nothing compared to the bite marks and bruises: the branded-on evidence of the wolf.

And last night was especially bad; last night Moony had to make do without Padfoot.

Last night was a betrayal.

"I'm sorry," he tells Remus. He thinks maybe if he can only repeat it enough…

But no. Remus' eyes aren't so empty now. They flash anger and hurt and - above all - disappointment.

"I'm sorry," Sirius says, for the third time.


	9. I is for Immortal Beloved

Thank you all reviewers! Albino Redneck suggested a first meeting chapter and I like the idea that it continues a sort of beginnings and endings theme through the story. Hmmm...Nobody guessed this title (to be fair, it isn't exactly obvious!) but Achava wasn't far off with 'infinity' or lupinsmoon12391 with 'innocence'. By the way, I actually stole the title from the Gary Oldman film 'Immortal Beloved' about Beethoven. Now there'a guy who can act... Gary Oldman... Not Beethoven.

**I** is for **I**mmortal Beloved 

I have 

Immortal longings in me

**-William Shakespeare, Antony And Cleopatra**

You're beautiful you're beautiful

You're beautiful it's true

I saw your face in a crowded place

And I don't know what to do

**-James Blunt, You're Beautiful**

* * *

Remus lay on his back, cradled in the crook of Sirius' arm, listening to his boyfriend's soft snore. They were on Remus' bed, with the hangings drawn closed. It was like a mini world – their own world – the world where nobody cared if you liked boys or girls, or what you got up to in your spare time. Remus snuggled up closer to Sirius, enjoying the shared heat and practically purring: more cat than wolf on this occasion. 

Sirius was wearing _**that **_tee shirt: the white one, unbelievably tight, cleverly designed to flaunta muscular, lean, unbelievably sexy torso. And the tee shirt had ridden up slightly. Remus swallowed. He traced his fingers across the inch of bare flesh between shirt and jeans. Very nice. He ran his finger across the darker downy hair that crept from just below his belly button beneath his jeans. Very nice indeed.

"Hey, that tickles!" A sleepy-eyed Sirius gave a lopsided smile. "Can't you keep your hands to yourself!"

Remus shook his head. "That would be a resounding 'no'," he said. And just becuase he could, he freed himself from Sirius' arms, rolled onto his side and leaned over to kiss that rather delectable inch of stomach.

"I was dreaming," Sirius half-whispered. "About… But I don't suppose you remember…"

"Tell me."

"The beginning…"

…_Every story has a thousand beginnings: first breath, first cigarette, first love, first times… _

_First sight…_

…The castle loomed, a black shadow, proud, primeval, twinkling lights like fireflies.

And there was Sirius, eleven, a pretty boy with the slight chubbiness of a young Byron: a Casanova not yet formed. He was a little too tall for his age with hair a little too long to be respectable. Once a rebel, always a rebel.

"Firs' years, this way!" They were in the entrance hall now.

"First years, be quiet!" Professor McGonagall glared at two of Sirius' cousins, Bellatrix and Narcissa. "I will have silence!"

Sirius glanced around at the other first years. He grinned at Andromeda who grinned back; they had always been friends. And then he spotted a black-haired messy-looking boy with glasses. The boy gave a awkward smile and rolled his eyes in the direction of McGonagall.

"I'm Sirius," Sirius mouthed.

The boy pointed a finger at his chest. His lips formed the name "James."

Sirius smiled.

"Excuse me?" A voice, soft and low, rich as velvet spoke to him. "Do you know what happens during the sorting?"

Sirius shrugged and turned to the newcomer. And (forgive the cliché) his heart skipped a beat.

"Um." Sirius said.

Okay, so it wasn't love at first sight. But God, the person standing before him must surely have been an angel.

"Um," Sirius repeated.

And the eyes. They might have been brown, except that they weren't. They were melted honey, amber, molten gold, warm and wary and tinged with liquid fire. Sirius swallowed.

"I'm Remus," said the angel.

"Sirius Black," Sirius said.

The angel frowned. A nervous hand, pale as ivory, swept through his hair. "Black... You'll be in Slytherin…"

"Yeah… Hey!"

Sirius didn't know what he had or hadn't said; all he knew was that the angel had turned and was walking away.

"Hey, Remus!" Sirius called.

But the angel kept on walking.

_God… _Sirius thought.

Somehow, he knew everything was about to change. He was eleven and he was teetering on the edge of the beginning of the end.

* * *

"Sirius Black!" 

Sirius was the third to be sorted. He put on the hat, that ridiculously old tatty hat, not really knowing why his hands were shaking. _You'd do well in Slytherin… _That was a voice, there, right inside his head, the serpent whispering in Eve's ear.

"Damned if I will," Sirius whispered.

* * *

Sirius smiled at Remus, who was back nestling in the crook of his arm and looking thoroughly angelic. "So that was the beginning… Where d'you think it'll end?" 

Remus Lupin always had an answer. "I don't think it'll ever end," he said.


	10. J is for James

Okay, I admit it. My updates are getting further and further apart. Blame it on the TV programme _House, M.D._ if you like… I became so addicted to it that I sort of forgot about Harry Potter. Please forgive me. And leave lots of nice reviews so I'll update properly. Quickly in fact. Very quickly… This chapter, by the way, explores how Sirius and Remus' fledgling relationship affected James. It's not very serious but you might find it kind of funny... I hope.

**J** is for **J**ames, A Day In The Life Of 

Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.

-**Jane Austen

* * *

**

**GRYFFINDOR BOYS' DORMITORY– 7.00 **

James knocked on the shower room door. "Anybody in? Remus! Sirius!"

Nothing.

"Excellent," James murmured. He grabbed a towel and opened the door. The shower room was a misty haze that steamed up his glasses.

And it wasn't as empty as he'd hoped.

"Ahhhh…"

"Ohh… Across a bit… Ummm. Yes…There!"

James yelped, turned on his heels,and slammed the door shut. This 'walking in on them' thing really _had_ to stop.

**BREAKFAST IN THE GREAT HALL- 8.30 **

"Toast," James said, "is the food of the gods."

"I quite agree." That was Remus sitting next to him and speaking through a mouthful of the Divine Food. James grinned. His friend had jam all over his chin.

Across the table, Sirius winked at Remus.

And then James felt it. A foot running up and down his lower leg, caressing his instep and then moving upwards.

Could it be?

Surely not.

James swallowed. The foot lingered on his inner thigh and-

"Ahh! Sirius, that's _my _leg!"

**POTIONS CLASS- 11.00 **

"Sirius," James growled, slamming a couple of text books down for good measure. "I hate you."

Sirius beamed. "Why, James, I hate you too. Now, how about we steal Snape's-"

"NO! No!" James lowered his voice. "No more! I can't handle it!"

"Handle what?"

"You and him. Everywhere. All the time."

**THE OWLERY- 16.00**

"Hurry up!" Lily dragged him onwards, giggling; her robes billowing in the wind. And then she stopped and smiled at him, blushing slightly, as she nodded towards the Owlery, a huge stone building. "Round the back."

James raised an eyebrow. "I hope you haven't brought anyone else here, Miss Evans," he said in a mock-stern voice. Everyone knew that the back of the Owlery was where students – and sometimes teachers, as Sirius had once discovered to his misfortune – went for a good healthy snog session. And sometimes a bit more too.

"I've only eyes for you, James," Lily said, no longer blushing. They rounded the back of the building. And stopped short. "Oh," Lily said. "Oh. Oh." Her jaw dropped and her eyes opened very wide. "Oh… that's hot."

It was a dark-haired boy, tall and slender, leaning over a shorter, fairer boy. Sirius had Remus pressed against the stone, as he kissed his neck. One of his hands had crept beneath Remus' robes – James didn't like to think where – and Remus looked wanton, debauched, his head thrown back and his eyes half-lidded, his mouth forming a gentle 'O' as he moaned softly.

"Very hot," Lily repeated.

James stared at his girlfriend incredulously.

**GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM- 21.00**

James sighed over his Charms essay. "This doesn't make any sense," he said. "Honestly, Remus, you're kidding yourself. Charms really doesn't make any sense."

"You're just too used to finding things easy…" Remus said. "Just because you don't get it doesn't mean it makes no sense."

That was Remus for you. Always the voice of reason. Always calm and restrained. Oh yes, James would believe if it if he hadn't seen him slammed against the Owlery wall, pliant and groaning beneath Sirius' hands… James shuddered. This change in Sirius and Remus' relationship was, well, weird.

"Mmm, James, you alright?"

"Yeah...Sure. I just hate being so crap at Charms; if I didn't want to be an auror I'd never have bothered taking it." James shrugged. "D'you think I could borrow your notes?"

"Of course."

Remus handed him a neat little leather-bound book, its pages filled with achingly neat handwriting. James flicked through, searching for the relevant heading. And there it was: 'Confusion Charms'. And below it, rendered lovingly, a heart. And inside the heart, written in very tiny writing: **_Remus Lupin loves Sirius Black._**

James laughed and Remus blushed but neither of them said a word.

**GRYFFINDOR BOYS' DORMITORY– 22.30**

James ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and burst into the dorm.

"I finished it, guys! I finished the Charms-" James swallowed. "For God's sake! Get a room!"

Sirius climbed off Remus, straightened his robes and smiled winningly. "But Jamsie-boy, this _is _our room."

**JAMES IN BED, THE CURTAINS DRAWN- 00.00**

A vague rustling.

"Do you think he's-"

"Sleeping… Yeah."

"Christ, Remus, let me in before I bloody freeze and- ummm. Much better."

James opened one eye and groaned. This really really really _had _to stop.


	11. K is for a Kiss

This chapter covers the events leading up to the first kiss in chapter two (B is for Beginnings). It's very fluffy! Also, I felt like writing in the first person for a change, so you should be aware that this is from Sirius' point of view. Finally, thank you, all my reviewers. I hope you're enjoying Advent!

**K** is for a **K**iss

I stood up in the coach to talk to the driver. He was a little Sicilian from Catania, as beautiful as a line of Theocritus, resplendent, fragrant and delicious as a piece of fruit.

'_Com' e bella la Signora!' _he said in a charming way as he watched Marceline walk away.

'_Anche tu sei bello, regazzo,' _I replied. And as I was standing so close to him, and couldn't resist, I drew him towards me and kissed him. He merely gave a little laugh.

**-The Immoralist, André Gide**

* * *

I ran down the corridors, skidding wildly on the corners, grasping hold of anything I could reach; portraits, suits of armour… I fell, picked myself up again, ran on. And what did it matter? I was in love! 

IN LOVE!

Don't you understand? I had wings to fly; I was standing on the shoulders of giants; walking on water; my very heartbeat echoing in the cavity of my chest, growing larger and larger, so red and - oh yes - so fucking alive!

I'd never felt like it before… I mean, I'd loved Remus for as long as I could remember, sure, but in that moment… Could I?

Could I dream? Yes. But then, I'd always been able to dream. Hot, almost feverish dreams that would start off normal and then suddenly I might be naked, or pressed against a wall, or have Remus's hands running all over my body… Or maybe all three at once. _Oh yes_. Crazy, sensual dreams that left me panting and spent.

Perhaps I could wish.

Oh God. Oh God, did I really dare to hope? Please, Remus, please! Say it. Go ahead and tell me you love me. Speak the words I need to hear.

_He feels the same way, Sirius._

But how could Lily really be sure?

_Women's intuition, you daft sod._

And I believed her; I believed her even as I left the castle and careered towards the lake. I was running like a first-class, grade-A idiot… But what did I care? I was in love…

…And absobloodylutely exuberant.

* * *

He was standing there, by the lakeside, with the wind in his hair and pink in his cheeks. His nose was slightly red – he'd had a cold that week – and if not exactly sexy, it was certainly cute. 

"Hey," I remember saying, trying to be casual.

"Umm. Hi." Remus smiled and lifted a hand in a semi-wave. "You okay?"

"Sure."

We walked for a while, briskly because it was so god-damned cold. And Remus gave this sort of shiver – a full body shiver – and sighed. I wrapped an arm round his shoulders and pulled him towards me, so his head nestled beneath my chin.

"Regalus called me a queer," Remus eventually said. His tone was neutral.

"Takes one to know one," I said. And I grinned, a little wickedly, when Remus glanced up at me. "You must have heard the rumours…"

"No."

I lowered my voice. "About him and Snape…" I paused for emphasis. "And the broom cupboard."

Remus gave me a suspicious look. "You made that up," he said.

"Me? Lie? Never." I grinned at him but he didn't smile back. In fact, he frowned and managed to look thoroughly downcast. "Cheer up, Remmie," I said. "There are worse things to be called than-"

"I am a queer."

It was one hell of a moment, as I pulled away and stared at him, and he looked at the ground and refused to make eye contact.

"Look at me, please," I asked. My heart was beating even faster than before and my breathing was erratic. I felt so scared – terrified, in fact – and yet oddly reassured at the same time. Lily had been right about Remus in one respect and surely, well, if she thought he was in love with me then I had to trust her judgement.

"Look at me."

He was still staring at the ground.

"Remus Lupin, I am going to kiss you!"

That made him look up and gawk and then smile sheepishly.

I smiled back.

"Do you know how sexy you are?" he said, a little huskily.

"I have a vague idea…" I whispered, as I stepped closer to him and – with hands that trembled ever so slightly – pulled him towards me.

I remember him laughing slightly as he threw his arms around my neck.

And after that? Well, I think you can imagine the rest...


	12. L is for Love

Important note: This chapter was not written by me! All credit must go to the lovely and talented **Captain Oz**, who kindly offered to write me a chapter. After reading and reviewing here, make sure you check out her work...

If anyone else feels like writing a chapter or two for me, please get in touch! It's unlikely that I will update myself, since I have become completely addicted to RPS. Sorry, guysxx

**L **is for **L**ove

Stones taught me to fly

Love taught me to lie

Life taught me to die...

…it's not hard to fall,

when you float like a cannon ball.

**-Damien Rice**

* * *

Remus thinks his life is full of contradictions, always has been. 

He loves reading, will devour anything in front of him. And yet if he reads for too long he gets headaches. They start small and grow, until one day he nearly hit his head on the wall to get rid of the pain. The only thing that could stop them was to sit in a dark room and hide his eyes away.

One of his nicknames, something he always hated, was Moonchild. Moonchildren should have almost white hair and eyes the colour of the black sky. Not blonde hair and amber eyes. He looked like he'd stepped from the sun.

His life is defined by moments of pain. Obviously he tears himself up once a month, whichis always fun. He's also been beaten up before, but not so that his friends would notice. There's been emotional pain. After all, nearly everyone he ever cared about is dead now. But he's never let a single tear fall down his face, not since he was five and had the bite that changed his world.

When he wakes up in the morning he thinks he can feel someone next to him, their breath on his cheek. Or he'll turn round to talk to someone who isn't there. But he knows there's no one; he's asked for this life of solitude. He doesn't want anyone there.

He needs control. That's the one thing he's always striven for. He never became mad or passionate, or did anything unless he'd considered it from all angles first. But then he fell in love, and nothing made sense anymore. He fell headlong, and nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

He hates the person he used to love.

He still loves the person he hates, and hates himself for it.


	13. M is for Magic

Thanks to all reviewers for leaving such wonderful feedback and for respecting my decision to leave As a consequence this chapter was not written by me but rather by the lovely Amanita Jackson. I hope you enjoy it and take the time to read all her other stories!

**M** is for** M**agic

Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others.

**-Wayne Dyer**

If everything seems to be going well... You obviously don't know what the hell is going on!

**-Anonymous**

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Remus was definitely the academic brains of the Marauders. Remus wrote the Transfiguration notes James feverishly pored over during breakfast. The Seventh Troll-Goblin War essay Sirius was hastily scribbling at lunch was the neat, clean copy of another essay full of crossed-out bits and Remus' notes in the margins. Remus composed the little rhyme Peter was muttering to himself to help him remember how to deal with a particularly vicious plant.

The others are brilliant in their own ways, but more often than not, they come up with the result for a plot and Remus has to fill in the blanks for them. Like the time they came up with the infamous Animagi idea.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They ran up to Remus in the library, flushed from the run and excited. Peter was giggling uncontrollably, but he did that at the slightest provocation. It was the twin gleam in Sirius and James' eyes, the one that screamed 'We have a plan and it is even more brilliant than the last brilliant thing we just did!'

_Sirius' eyes look really nice with that spark in them. They're grey. The kind of grey the sky is when it's summer and it's hot and humid and raining and wonderful. _

_Bugger. Someone's just said something._

"Remus, halloo! Stop drooling over Sirius and listen, this is completely brilliant!" James hollered.

"I was _not _drooling over Sirius. I was simply admiring at the restraint the librarian is showing in not decapitating us for being disruptive."

James looked over his shoulder at the library. Sirius and Peter did the same. They took in the chairs and end tables they'd knocked out of the way in their haste. They saw the cowering group of first years they almost ran over and a furious Snivellus half-buried under the pile of books he was carrying. The poor librarian seemed to be in shock.

Sirius turned back first, flashing a grin at Remus

"Excellent," he proclaimed.

"It doesn't matter, we can bother with that stuff later," James said, waving his hand impatiently. "We have just been talking and have hit on the most brilliant plan ever!"

Remus tried not to roll my eyes, he really did. They leaned in so no one else could overhear.

"We," Sirius breathed, "are going to be able to come out with you during--erm, during," he falters.

"Your 'time of the month,'" James completed.

"Yes, that!" Sirius agreed triumphantly.

"Erm, how would you be doing that, pray tell? I'd rather _not_ end up biting an arm or a leg off one of my mates. In case you hadn't noticed, you are very much human," Remus pointed out.

"That's the brilliance of it!" Sirius shouted, pumping his arm in the air. He leant back in, remembering where they were. "We're going to become Animagi!"

"We've been reading up a bit," Pete added enthusiastically. "We think that we can do it."

All Remus could do was sit there and gawk at them. _Animagi--? They'd do that, actually apply themselves and _study _for _me?

"The thing is, we kind of need a wee bit of help with the complicated stuff," James admitted.

"Which is almost kind of all of it," Sirius put in.

_Well, it was a nice thought._

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

A few years later, here they are, ready to try it out for the first full moon. Remus can see them from the window. _They really ought to get a better hiding place. I'll have to try to remember that._

Madam Pomfrey is leaving, the human shapes are gone, and a stag and a dog are following a ripple in the grass. _I hope they remembered the knot, because--_

Nevertheless, the Willow stops, and starts up again.

Relieved, he paces until he hears steps on the stairway. He spins around to find a very smug-looking rat, stag, and dog. He grins and drops to the floor to sit. Remus beckons them closer and the three Animagi comply. Remus looks out the window, scanning the sky. He has ten minutes, at least.

Remus experiences the most pleasant wait he can remember, with Prongs nancing about, enjoying his deer form. Wormtail is exploring under the bed, revelling in his change of scale. Padfoot…

Padfoot is between Remus' legs, tail thumping like a crazed metronome because he's getting petted and fussed over by Remus.

Suddenly, Remus hears the Willow stop. His eyes widen. Every few transformations, Madam Pomfrey comes back because she forgot a blanket or some such. Only on nights like this is she sure enough that Remus hasn't transformed yet will she come up.

Padfoot bumps his nose against Remus', whining gently.

Remus leaps to his feet, almost knocking him over.

"Ohmygodhmygodohmygod! She's coming back!" he hisses to the three. Wormtail squeaks and runs back under the four-poster. Prongs and Padfoot stare at him in mute panic.

"Brilliant," Remus mutters. He grabs Prongs around the neck, drags him over behind the four-poster and draws the curtains.

"Keep your head down," he murmurs, arranging Prongs' antlers so they don't show.

There are footsteps downstairs now. Remus lets out a squeak and searches for somewhere to hide Padfoot. _The closet!_

Mission accomplished, he sits on the floor and leans back against the wall, trying to look nonchalant.

"Hello, dear. Forgot your water, whatever next!" she chuckles to herself. "Forget my own head if it weren't stuck on. I'll just fetch you some blankets out of the closet, all right?"

"NO!" Remus almost shouts. "Erm, I mean, err, don't bother, I can get them myself later."

"But you'll be too tired to, dear. I'll just pop in and get them now, then I'll be off." Her hand is on the doorknob.

"_WAIT!_ " Remus calls--but she's already opened it. Madam Pomfrey takes out some blankets and shuts the door again. _She…Sirius, I mean Padfoot…what in hell?_

"I'll just lay them on the bed, then."

"Madam Pomfrey, I think I'm going to transform soon!" Remus manages in a strangled voice. She looks alarmed.

"Oh my! I'll leave them here; see you in the morning, dear!" Remus hears her dash down the stairs and across the lower floor.

As soon as the Willow starts up again, Remus scrambles to the closet to find Padfoot looking up at him triumphantly from the dirty laundry basket. Padfoot's triumphant look fades slightly when the huge black dog realises he is stuck.


End file.
